I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
