we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
