I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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