I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
