I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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