my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
