You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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