I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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