Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
