she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
