I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
