i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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