it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
