It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
