you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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