im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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