Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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