i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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