i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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