whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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