My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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