Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
