whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
