Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize