So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
