how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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