Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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