Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
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