my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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