I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He has the fingertips of a God
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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