maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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