I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
