Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
