Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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