i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I did not marry a roomba.
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