What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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