Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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