I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
