listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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