My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
