it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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