my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
