It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
