Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
