Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
