On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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