it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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