Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Small penises have feelings too.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
this just has baby written all over it
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
