i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I am one with the molecules
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
