Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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