If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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