My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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