He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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