no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
