Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
