Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
