I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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