just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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