peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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