just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
