At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
