Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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